


Today Has Been Okay

by UchiHime



Series: Tumblr Ficlets [10]
Category: Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel
Genre: M/M, Misgendering, Trans Male Character, Trans Sam Wilson
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-19
Updated: 2016-08-19
Packaged: 2018-08-09 18:57:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,167
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7813375
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UchiHime/pseuds/UchiHime
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A Trans Sam ficlet from my tumblr.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Today Has Been Okay

**Author's Note:**

> Title has nothing to do with the story, it's the name of the song I was listening to when I was trying and failing to title this.

No, his name had not been Samantha, or Samira, or Sasha, or Sierra, or anything remotely similar. It was ridiculous the way people assumed that his chosen name had to be based off his birth name, when he’d chosen his name specifically for people to not associate him with his birth gender. It was almost as ridiculous as people acting like it was their _right_  to know his birth name just because they knew he was trans. 

He’d taken “Samuel” from the bible. Had started going by it the day his mother had pulled him into arms and said _“Baby, all I’ve ever wanted for you was that you be happy and healthy. Whether that happiness comes with you as my daughter or as my son, it don’t matter so long as happiness comes.”_  Sam had spent years praying for understanding and acceptance and the courage to admit who and really was, and those prayers had been heard and answered. So what better name than Samuel?

It’s not easy, but he hadn’t expected it to be. The old church ladies whispered about him behind their fans, said “bless your heart” every time he passed, said it was just a phase, questioned his father’s ability to lead their congregation for failing to put his wayward _daughter_  back on the path of righteousness. Almost every single teacher and school administrator called him “Miss Wilson” and if there was ever a boys versus girls game, he was always forced to group with the girls. His classmates were just as bad: the boys cruel, and the girls catty.

But not everyone was against him. His mom and sister were firmly in his corner. (His brother and dad weren’t exactly supportive, but they also didn’t let anyone talk shit about Sam, so they weren’t entirely against him either.) His gym teacher let him change clothes in her office instead of forcing him to use the girl locker room, and the school nurse let him use the bathroom in the nurse’s office so he wouldn’t have to use the girl’s room. There was one old church lady who slipped him a dollar every Sunday and told him he was growing to be quite the handsome boy, then made fun of the other church ladies ridiculous hats.

He dates a boy senior year and it almost ends before it begins. His boyfriend, Darnell, is the other kid in church that the old ladies whisper about behind their fans, openly gay since he was fourteen and feeling no shame for it. Their relationship proves two things: Sam has to be a girl if he’s dating a boy, because boys aren’t attracted to other boys, and the fact that the supposedly gay kid is dating him proves that. Darnell had loved him as a boy, but all the talk had them both doubting themselves.

His mom sits them both down as says, “ _You ain’t let nobody tell you who you’re supposed to be this long, so why start now? The only people in your relationship are you two and God, so the only opinions that matter are yours and His. Anybody else act like they got a say, you tell them to go suck an egg.”_ Sam proudly told the world that he was a bisexual man, fuck anyone who said otherwise.

He and Darnell break up right after graduation. They love each other, but it’s for the best. Darnell’s going to medical school in Missouri, Sam’s joining the Air Force. 

Every day, he was grateful for the military policy of referring to everyone by their surname. He’d known when he’d enlisted that he was signing up for years of being misgendered, but that was a price he was willing to pay in order reach his dream of helping people. 

The thing is, being Male is the number one requirement for being a Pararescuemen. Sam meets all the Physical Aptitude and Stamina Test (PAST) requirements, but no one is willing to look past his physical gender. Sam had never been so disheartened in his life. _It’s bullshit_ , he tells his mom on a call home to her, _complete and utter bullshit! It’s not fair._ He tries his damnedest not to cry, because that won’t fix anything, but he’s heartbroken. It was stupid of him to expect an exception to be made for him if only he tried hard enough and proved he could do it.

But then exception was made. A small group of women were allowed to train for positions previously closed to them. It was a testing the waters type deal to see if lifting the gender ban was even worth it. Sam didn’t care for the reason, he was just glad to be given the chance. One thing did give him pause, if he succeeded as a PJ, he would be an icon for women wanting to bust through the gender barriers in the armed forces, he would be used as an example of what women could do. If he was to declare himself a man (not the he could with DADT in play), he would be stealing that achievement from women’s rights.

Two years of pararescue training, he’d managed to hold his tongue, trained himself not to flinch at the gendered insults CO’s spat at him, dealt with his dsyphoria one day at a time by constantly reminding himself that this was all to serve a greater purpose, his body was just the vessel for the good he could do.

In a moment of weakness, he let’s the truth slip to a freckled face man with laughing brown eyes. Riley, ever the gentleman, had asked permission to kiss him and Sam had wanted that kiss more than anything in the world at that moment, but he couldn’t allow it if Riley thought he’d be kissing a girl. Riley had accepted him without faltering. He loved Sam as a person, no matter his gender. He called him Sam every chance he got after that, he’s the only person who called him by that name.

Sam was the happiest he’d ever been, doing what he loved with a man that he loved, and then Riley fell and there was nothing Sam could do but watch.

The dress blues Sam wears to Riley’s funeral has a skirt and heels, and maybe that’s for the best because Riley had never told his father about Sam and Sam really didn’t want to add undue tension to the situation. But Riley’s brother approaches him after and says “ _Sam, you must be dying to get out those clothes, I got something you can change into if you’re willing to come have a drink with me_.”

Riley, bless his soul, had put Sam in his will. Left him a cut of his life insurance policy. Enough to get his top surgery. Sam cries on Riley’s brother shoulder and swears he’ll never love another the way he loved Riley.

He keeps that promise for years, and then he meets Steve Rogers.

**Author's Note:**

> [My tumblr.](http://littleredtriskele.tumblr.com)


End file.
